All it takes is a smile…
Attraction can be a strange thing. Sexual cues can be ambiguous, and men usually read them wrong. Research shows that this may be something that’s hard wired into us. An evolutionary loophole. A new study to be published in Psychological Science seems to show how wrong we are sometimes. The bottom line apparently, is that the more attractive a man finds a woman, the more attractive he thinks he is to her. Regardless of how attractive he really is. In other words, if he thinks she’s hot, he tends to think she’s hot for him. Imagine how this gets compounded when a woman’s job is specifically to show interest and arousal… whether she actually feels it or not.
No one single issue is more hotly discussed, debated and deconstructed than the issue of falling in love with a hooker. More than ‘the meaning of GFE,’ more than ‘to shave or not to shave,’ guys will expound interminably about the idea that someone could fall in love with an escort, whether or not it’s a good idea, or even whether it’s even possible. As with almost everything else related to this “hobby,” they’re all experts with no experience.
Fell in love once and most completely…
I have that experience. I fell in love with a girl. A working girl. It started out as so many other encounters with escorts, before and since. An arranged meeting in a 5-star hotel, the call from the road to confirm, the call from the lobby to get the room number, the slight nervousness upon knocking on the door. But from that moment on, there was nothing average or ordinary about it. I knew. But more than that, we knew. We knew there was a real connection, a connection beyond the paid-for genital docking maneuvers.
Sure, every guy thinks, at least once, that the hooker really has feelings for him, mistaking a job well done for real affection. It is, after all, her job to make you feel as if she really finds you irresistibly attractive, that you’re the greatest lover she’s ever had, the greatest conversationalist, that all those orgasms wrenched from her were real, and that for that one hour, you are the center of the universe. That’s not what this was. This was the real deal. I’m sure you’re thinking that I allowed myself to be deluded, just like every other poor sap who’s been hooked by a hooker, strung along for ever increasing payouts. And I’ll tell you this: I’ve been in many different relationships in my life, from casual to long term to legally binding. The long term relationship I had with this woman was as real and emotional and true as any. More so than most.
But sometimes these feelings can be so misleading…
Can a “hobbyist” fall in love with a hooker? Can a hooker fall in love with a trick? It all comes down to this: can one human being fall in love with any other? This is what we are. There are real people behind the screen names and assumed personae. And real people sometimes fall in love. But, feelings can be misleading. There’s more than one hapless “hobbyist” paying a girl’s rent or making her car payment or ‘putting her through school’ so she can stop hooking and be with him. She’s a good girl, she is.
My hooker girlfriend and I were together for almost 5 years. Never in that time did I pay her rent. Or make her car payment. And with the exception of that first meeting in that hotel room, I never paid to make love to her. That was a transaction conducted with “Insert Working Name Here.” Everything after that was a relationship with “Insert Real Name Here.”
There were hard times, good times, fun times. We went to movies, we went to lunch, dinner, grocery shopping. I invited her to my company Christmas party, and afterward laughed together about the co-worker who had brought an obvious paid date. We talked about the future, our future, and marriage came up more than once. I met her family, and spent time with them during birthdays and piano recitals. We hung out with friends, went to parties and social events. Often, those social events were work-related. Her work. There were more than a few meet & gropes we attended together during our time as a couple. Sometimes we would arrive separately and ‘accidentally’ meet up. Sometimes we arrived together under the guise of a paid date. Usually, I would let her work the room, making business contacts while I sat at the bar, buying drinks for escorts I had no intention of ever booking. I let her conduct her business. My business sometimes had setbacks, just like everyone else in a shaky economy. She helped me out when I needed it, she had a keen business sense. And, because I know you’re thinking it, let me be clear, I wasn’t sitting home profiting from the fruits of her labors.
This is where most guys get mired in stereotypes. The conventional wisdom is that any man who is romantically involved with an escort must naturally be taking her money. Money earned on her back or on her knees. I tend to think that most guys have those thoughts because that’s what they themselves wish they could do. They only see the allure of having a hot babe who goes out and fucks for money, at their direction. Ironically, that mindset is why most of those guys have to pay for hookers in the first place. They can’t see the real women behind the pussies. Whether its an escort or a wife. And they treat pussies like cunts.
So, is it possible to fall in love with an escort? Of course it is. Would I recommend it? Well, I wouldn’t try to dissuade one from following their heart. Many escorts have husbands, boyfriends, girlfriends. They have parents and siblings. They are parents. Real people. Real flesh and blood and emotions. And any real person is capable of loving, is worthy of being loved. Which is why I get so pissed at the moralists, the abolitionists, the righteous crusaders. They dehumanize sex workers.
Another prevalent attitude is “I couldn’t have a relationship with a hooker unless she stopped hooking.” What this implies is that A) she’s not worthy of love or respect if she’s a hooker and B) that it’s the man’s decision to make. I never tried to get “Insert Working Name Here” to stop working as an escort. Because it was her decision. She wasn’t abused, on drugs, trafficked, coerced or forced into prostitution. It was a decision she made. And when she eventually did stop, it wasn’t for me or for any other man, it was for herself. She chose to work as an escort, she chose when and how to move on. I supported her in her choices, and tried to never make her feel as ‘less-than’ because of the choices she made. No, I’m not pretending to have been the best boyfriend in the world; I had and have many faults. But she gave her heart wholly to me, and that was the only part I cared about.
Although we were together for years, we’re not together anymore. We eventually broke up. Why? People break up all the time, for any number of reasons. Which is to say, it was probably my fault. But it was never anything related to her line of work. I said before, I’m not perfect. In fact, I can often be quite an asshole. *[ADDENDUM] What’s closer to the truth is that she tried. She tried to heal me, to set me free, and in the end, I broke her heart. I don’t pretend to have come out of this as the good guy. I wasn’t. But, hopefully, I’ve learned.* We fought, we split up. It happens. I can’t tell you the number of times since then that I wish it hadn’t happened. We remained friends, but never again lovers. Turns out, we actually liked each other, even after everything we’d been through.
I remember clearly the day, months later, sitting in a coffee shop when she told me she was dating someone else.
…she turns and says “are you alright?”
I said “I must be fine cause my heart’s still beating”
My heart sank. And although I wished her well then and wish her well now, it was a stunning blow. Even now, writing this, thinking about that day…
…these two sides of my brain
need to have a meeting
can’t think of anything to do
my left brain knows that
all love is fleeting…
All love is fleeting. When we were together, she often joked about getting me a professional discount if I wanted to see some other hooker. I never took her up on that. Since we broke up, she’s offered to be my reference if I wanted to see someone. I’ve never taken her up on that, either. I’ll still continue to see escorts. But she was right; she demystified escorting for me. Pulled back the curtain. I’ve had great sex with great escorts. And never had the slightest bit of that falling in love feeling with any of them. But, that’s what people do, they fall in love. It’s important to know the difference between the feelings in your heart and the feeling in your groin. I was lucky, luckier than most. Not because I had a relationship with a hooker, but because I had a relationship –a real relationship– with a real woman. A smart, funny, talented, sexy woman. An incomparable woman.
I spoke to her today, she called to wish me happy holidays. We still keep in touch. We laughed, we joked, we had a nice conversation, the kind any friends would have. And afterward, just as now, I cried because I miss her so. I loved her then, I love her now.