Archive for the ‘blowjob’ Category

ATMs ain’t rocket science.

Learn to count. You know how much her hourly rate is. You know that ATMs only dispense $20s.
So, if her rate is $350 and you get $360 from the cash machine, you know you’re either gonna have to break the $20 before you get there or give her an extra $10.

Don’t go in there all flummoxed about how to make change for a $20. She just gave you a blowjob, don’t ask her to give you change. Don’t ask to take ten minutes off your hour for a ten buck discount. And for fuck’s sake don’t short her $10 off her rate.
If you didn’t get change before you got to the room, suck it up and give her the full amount plus ten. If $10 goddam dollars is gonna make or break your budget, well… jerking off alone is a lot cheaper.

How did I get here?

Well... how did I get here?

I’ve been struggling with an injury lately. How it happened isn’t really important. Maybe it was a sports injury, maybe it was work-related. Maybe I threw my back out trying to lift up my massive gut to reach my dick. Whatever, it’s not important. The point is, I was undergoing a bit of physical therapy for my fat/dick- related injury. And as my massage therapist Helga was working through my corpulence to get to the root of my injury, I found myself fantasizing about her working through my corpulence to get to my root.

Now, I haven’t been to an AMP in a long time. The so-called ‘massage parlor’ where the massage was just a pretense for the happy ending. The rub n’ tug joint. But that’s often the first entry into the “hobby” most guys have. There seems to be a progression. From strip club to massage parlors to escorts.

I spent a lot of time exploring strip clubs. I remember one stretch of highway in my hometown where there were about a half a dozen strip clubs of varying degrees of class and quality. I would start at one end of the road with the dark, dank dive bar; the one with the pool table and the lackluster stripper with the Harley-Davidson tattoo across her chest. Then I’d move on to the one with the strobe lights and the glittery swing on stage. I’d end up at the far end of the spectrum at the Showgirls-esque club with featured “acts.”

Yeah... it was just like that

True story: I saw a featured stripper there who had a whole ‘nautical’ act. She had props and costumes, all in a vague naval theme. Sailor cap, cutaway bellbottoms, anchors. Sexy anchors. She danced a set to songs like “Blue, Navy Blue” and “Sea Cruise.” Hot.

But eventually, as most guys do, I grew tired of the ‘look don’t touch’ aspect of the clubs and started looking for more.  My hometown had lingerie modeling joints. You’d pay your door fee, go into a small room, “get comfortable,” and a ‘model’ would pose in scanty lingerie. Of course, for an additional tip she would, y’know… do things. From there, I progressed to cruising the boulevard for streetwalkers, always more afraid of them than they were of me.

Fast forward to the internet age and here I am, a grizzled veteran of the online hooker review boards.

What I am is what I am.

So what would lead an otherwise happily married man with 3 kids, a dog and a fish, a happy home in the suburbs and a  minivan in the garage to go cruising for strippers and hookers?

Ask any “hobbyist” and you’ll hear a litany of excuses, usually centering around the failings of their wives. The conventional wisdom is that if they were getting it at home they wouldn’t need to look  for it on the street. Well, sure, it’s not their fault, it’s their wives. Look, way back when, as I was driving up and down the streets at midnight, picking up scrawny girls for quickie handjobs in my car, I had a freaky, sexy, willing girlfriend waiting at home for me. And when I say freaky, I mean choking, slapping, swinging freaky. She was totally hot, totally willing and totally available. Yet I was fascinated by the world of sex out there.

I’m no saint, never claimed to be. Nice guy? I try. I have to try. Being an asshole is effortless. I’ve been fucking hookers of all stripes for years, with no end in sight. And it’s not, never has been, because of a failing on the part of my partner. It’s me.

This is what those guys slapping each other on the back about banging hookers won’t admit. They like fucking hookers. They would be fucking hookers if they were single. They would be fucking hookers if they were married to sex kittens. They would be fucking hookers if they were married to other hookers. The guys who spend hour after hour after hour online looking for hookers, flirting with hookers, making dates with hookers and writing reviews of fucking hookers… yeah, those guys re only doing it because the cold, distant, harpies they’re married to won’t blow them anymore. Right?

I don’t —we don’t– pay for pussy because the wife won’t pay attention. That’s just another deflection. Another way of placing blame with someone else. Another way of absolving ourselves of responsibility for our own actions. Hey, it’s not my fault I pay to get my dick sucked, it’s yours! Well, guess what? That’s bullshit. It’s my dick, and it’s entirely up to me who I stick it in.

Yeah, there are miserable, shrewish, frigid wives. There are wives who don’t like sex. There are wives who are emasculating bitches. And it’s still your choice to seek out strange pussy. You don’t do it because of the wife, the kids, the job. You do it because you like pussy, all kinds of pussy. The key indicator is that most of us “hobbyists” don’t just quietly, discreetly see the occasional paid companion to while away an hour or two of shared intimacy. The hardcore “hobbyist” has made the flirting, bantering, and jockeying for ‘position’ just as important as the actual in-out. You don’t spend hours chatting with hookers online because your wife won’t suck your dick. You don’t write dozens of goddam reviews highlighting your sexual prowess with hookers because your wife is too busy with the kids. And y’know what? Maybe if you didn’t spend hours chatting with hookers online your wife might be more willing to suck your dick for free.

Choke me in the shallow water, before I get too deep.

Expert advice.

Growing business

I have some advice for all you hookers out there. I know what you’re doing wrong, I know what you need to do to get more clients, I know how to run your business.

Cuz no one knows more about being a hooker than a trick. Right?

Gimme a break.

It’s fairly common on the hooker message boards for Some Girl to ask something along the lines of “what am I doing wrong here?” Usually, it’s a girl new to the site, unsure of what the posting guidelines are, looking for feedback on how to better navigate the vagaries of any particular local board. More often than not, the subtext is: “I keep posting ads, why aren’t any of you losers booking dates?”

Instead of the real honest answer (“we’re all a bunch of cheap bastards in here, we’d rather waste your time flirting online than actually paying to fuck”) this opens the doors wide for a barrage of unwanted, unsolicited, unrealistic business advice. Much like every Republican (or “Independent”) posting on political boards, every john posting on hooker boards is a Captain of Industry. Come to think of it, there’s probably a huge overlap in those two sub-groups. Must be an interesting Venn diagram.

Quick! A hooker needs business advice!

They have tons of advice. It may not surprise you to learn that the single most important piece of business advice from johns to hookers is: lower your prices. Lower rates, more pictures. More revealing pictures, but not professional pictures, camera phone pictures (since everyone knows those can’t be edited) and offer specials to board members.

Predictable.

Every “hobbyist” knows exactly how a hooker should operate her business. And they ain’t shy about telling them how.

I was reminded of this not too long ago; a provider with whom I’ve become somewhat friendly asked me to check out her new website. Beta testing was all that was asked of me. I hope I came to my senses soon enough and kept my advice to myself. Yet my immediate instinct was to tell her what was wrong with it, how she should change things, which pictures to use. See, I know better than she does.

And that right there is the crux of it. The guys think that they always know better than the stupid hookers. Sure, some of those “stupid” hookers also run successful businesses. Some have graduate degrees. Some are experienced, knowledgeable and conversant in topics ranging from law to economics to business to art, design, politics or technology. But they’re hookers, so obviously they’re nowhere near as smart as the guy who runs a window pane store or the insurance salesman or the plumber who spends all his time commenting on a hooker message board. And I’m sure your job at Disneyland is quite challenging.

These guys are attempting to correct what they see as a shift in the balance of power. For years, ages, it was commonly accepted that the john held all the power. He had the penis and the dollars and that made him right. This new era of online escorts is making them feel like the hooker is in the driver’s seat, and they don’t like that, no sir, not one bit. How dare she ask for screening information? Whaddaya mean I have to book ahead? Why can’t I fuck you bareback in the ass? Really, what does she think she is? It comes from a point of view that since you’re paying her, she can’t say ‘no.’ For guys who are constantly hearing ‘no’ from women — no, the wife won’t blow him. No, the girl at the bar won’t go out with him — they figure that if they’re paying a hooker she can’t say ‘no.’ To anything. They don’t realize that just because she says ‘yes’ doesn’t mean she loses the right to say ‘no.’

And so, they try to re-exert their lost control. They’ll tell those hookers what to do and how to do it. Online flirting with hookers makes them feel more desirable. Paying for pussy makes them feel valuable. Making hookers feel stupid makes them feel smarter.

Look, I’ve been involved with the escort boards for a while. I’ve seen hookers/escorts/streetwalkers/callgirls/courtesans. I’ve run my own business, I’ve worked for others. I’ve know providers, both personally and professionally. And I don’t know anything about being an escort.

Yeah, I know, you’re a successful businessman.

What a "blowjob" looks like where YOU work

You often have to deal with a customer who’s being a dick. But you don’t actually have to deal with his dick. You know how to grow your business, you know how to advertise your business, you know how to deal with customers. But no matter how difficult your customers are, unless your job entails meeting strange men in hotel rooms and literally sucking their dicks, you don’t know dick about being an escort.

I’ve got a huge cock.

Always play safe

Every hooker I’ve ever been with tells me so. From streetwalkers to high-priced GFEs, every one of ’em tells me I’ve got a huge cock.

A lot of guys involved in the “hobby” (hobby? are you guys collecting stamps along with bangin’ hookers?) spend a lot of time writing reviews. There are complex ratings systems. Did she have real or fake boobs? Plus 2. Was she on time? Plus 1. Adams apple? Plus 2… no, wait, minus 2… whatever.

For my money, the best ratings are always gonna be based on how big my dick is. If I walk out of that hotel room thinking “Man! I have got a HUGE cock!”, then she did her job. If I walk away thinking “that was a good blowjob, but it couldn’t have been that difficult for her to deepthroat this gherkin” then there was a breakdown in communication. Look, anyone can get you off. It takes someone really fuckin’ good at her job to make you think you’re the biggest stud in town.

And sure, I know she says that to all the guys. But she really means it with me.

You asked for it

I was reminded of this today, swimming through the deep blue waters of one of the local message boards. There’s the ever-present thread about what constitutes a true “GFE.” One of a series of posts and polls that gets trotted out periodically. What does “GFE” mean to you? Probably the only topic more discussed is “shaved or trimmed?” And so often, as in this particular thread, it’s usually intended as nothing more than a look-at-me type of conversation starter. If a gal can get the guys talking about the definitions of “GFE” then that gives her an opening to let them know that she offers exactly the GFE they’re looking for. If she can present it as an opinion poll, it’s not really an ad, is it?

There will never be a comprehensive definition of GFE that everyone agrees on. Not if you’re trying to pin it down based on sex acts. No two guys are gonna like the same thing the same way. Slow, fast, on top, from behind.

But pretty much every guy wants to think he’s got a huge cock. I know I do.

Then again, I don’t have to worry.

I’m huge.

It’s that time of year!

XXXmas special

There’s a nip in the air, everyone’s feeling extra festive.

It’s the time of the year when hookers start posting pictures of themselves in Santa hats.

I understand, I get it. I guess it’s supposed to make them look fun and whimsical. But it just really kinda underscores the fact that you’re looking to pay a hooker to fuck you on Xmas.

If you scour the internets, (like I do) you’re likely to find more than a few examples. Hey, who doesn’t like a happy holiday humjob?

I guess what it really comes down to is that advertising staple, the year-end clearance sale. Girls gotta eat, and hookers have families to buy Xmas presents for, too.

And it’s not all Santa hats and candy canes. There’s the ol’ reliable “All I want for Christmas is peace on earth… and to offer you $50 off on a multi-hour session if you book now” message board post.

I got a rock

Every naughty elf picture, every “what do you want for Xmas” message board post, every stocking-stuffer special has one intended end result: the booking. Because the answer to “what do you guys want for Xmas?” is always supposed to be “YOU!”

Ho ho, Ho

And regular as clockwork, the “hobbyists” fall for it. Every time. Can’t blame a girl for tryin’. And they try hard this time of year.

Let’s face it, money’s tight, unemployment is up, competition is stiff and the economy sucks harder than a full price GFE.

And the only guys who will actually book anything during this time of year are the sad sacks who don’t have wives, girlfriends, families or friends to spend the Happy Holidays with. And those guys generally don’t have a lot of disposable income to spend on a hooker.

How much for the penguin?

The electronic ho-stroll doesn’t close down for the holidays. I guess, in the grand scheme of things, a few festive Santa hats ain’t all that bad. I guess it’s better than the menorah shaped bra.