Don’t be stupid.
My ex-wife used to tell a story about a guy who got caught cheating because he came home drunk one night… with a used rubber still on his dick. Stupid.
Now, in the interest of full disclosure, let me state up front that this was my second wife, with whom I had previously cheated on my first wife, and whom I then cheated on with my current wife, whom I am repeatedly cheating on with hookers. You can take this a couple of ways. One, Yeah, I’m a guy who constantly cheats on the people he loves, so why should you believe anything I say. Two, I know what I’m talking about when it comes to getting caught and how to avoid it.
Yeah, I’m a douchebag, I never claimed otherwise.
It should go without saying. It should be obvious. It should be common sense. But then, if you had common sense, you wouldn’t be stepping out.
Don’t be stupid.
Don’t suddenly start taking your cellphone into the bathroom when you’ve never done it before. Don’t suddenly start working late if you’ve never done it before. Don’t suddenly start shaving your balls if you’ve never done it before.
Don’t start thinking you’re James Bond, either. You’re not that good at covering your tracks, so your best bet is to leave as few tracks as possible. Liars always get caught, and they always get caught because they’re bad liars. Making everything you say as intricately detailed as possibly isn’t going to make you more believable. Just the opposite. If you have to weave some bizarre, 3-volume story with a cast of thousands to explain why you’re an hour late getting home, it’s going to raise a red flag. And as soon as the wife starts wondering why you’re being needlessly evasive and needlessly effusive, you’re sunk. Cuz now she’s gonna examine everything you say and do, no matter how innocent. And the more she starts looking, the more she’s gonna find. Don’t do things that are outside of your usual patterns.
If my current wife ever starts cheating on me, I’ll know because she shuts up.