Two Thumbs Up! Way Up!

Posted: December 10, 2009 in escort review
Tags: , , ,

You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll kiss $300 bucks goodbye.


One of the biggest phenomena of hooking in the Internet Age is the escort review. Go to any message board and you can look up reviews of your favorite, or soon to be favorite hookers.

Some girls get very worked up about good reviews, and very pissed about bad reviews. It’s understandable. They’re providing a very intimate service, laying themselves bare, as it were. And to have some schmuck write that your tits sag or your blowjob skills weren’t up to par or your pussy stinks is a decidedly personal attack. Specially considering the source.

Let’s face it, for the most part, these are guys so completely lacking in social graces and bedroom skills that the only way they’ll ever get near a pussy (stinky or not) is to pay for it.

But look deeper into the reviews.

“I began to dine at the y. She O’d a few times, while pinching her nipples and breathing heavily.”

Dude, she’s a hooker. No matter how good you think you are, you did not eat her to multiple heavy breathing, sheet clenching orgasms. You just ain’t that good.

I gots a skilled tongue, baby

“Deep throat with perfection.”

You know why she can deep throat you to perfection? Cuz you got a tiny dick.

And here’s a recurring theme, doggie-style:

“…after a few mins and i put her in K9. i finished in that position…”

“I had to stop her and switch to K-9…really enjoyed pounding her from behind, and finally i finished it off.”

Almost every guy talks about popping off while pounding her in K-9. Oh, those girls just love it when you take them from behind.

Because that way they don’t have to look at you.

Here’s the reality of the escort review. It’s not — never, ever– about the girl. It’s always about the dick writing the review. If she’s screaming in orgasm, it’s because he’s such a stud. He always needs a Magnum. He can deep-dick that pussy for hours. Her legs are shaking from the hard pussy pounding he’s giving her. And she can never get enough of his dick.

If by some chance, he can’t perform up to his expectations, of course that’s her fault. It’s certainly not cuz he’s a tiny, limp-dicked fumbler who needs a map and a flashlight to find his way into a pussy. Pro tip: The clit is up top.

You're doing it wrong

  1. Sina says:

    liked that post:-) Fortunately, where i work review boards aren’t that frequent yet. the basic idea is good, the guy should know what awaits him.. but the problem is that it’s often misused to give undeserved bad reviews.

  2. jaco says:

    Escort Reviews are the only way for hobbyists to get what they are paying for. I agree with this article completely. I would also recommend using a variety of review sites like to validate reviews and get exactly what you are looking for