How Not to Get Caught, Pt. 1

Posted: December 6, 2009 in Hobbyist
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So, I’ve been thinking about this for quite a while now, and in light of recent rippedfromtheheadlines events, I figured I’d present some timely advice.

Every guy that cheats worries about getting caught. And even if you’re a single guy, getting caught with a hooker (or multiple hookers) is not really up there on your life’s Wish List. I mean, at some point, you’re gonna want to get a job, a girlfriend, a loan, security clearance, a weed card and being known as the guy who fucks hookers isn’t the best way to position yourself. What would your mother think?

…didn't take my advice

Having said that, if… IF you are a high profile celebrity “athlete” worth millions, why in god’s name are you NOT banging hookers? That few thousand you’d spend on a really high-class high-dollar hottie is a drop in the bucket compared to the mega million dollar divorce settlement, the bad publicity and the loss of endorsement deals. This is why god created hookers.

OK, so you’ve been banging hoes. Hell, by now you’ve become a full-fledged “hobbyist.” You spend your free time trolling the hooker message boards, you’ve risen through the ranks to become a highly trusted, well rated member of the online hooker/john community, and you’ve been getting your dick wet without any repercussions.

Until your wife/girlfriend/boss/daughter/mother logs on to your computer and starts wondering what that site that calls itself “For Hobbyists, By Hobbyists” is all about. She’s never noticed that you had any particular interest in model trains… OH SHIT! HOOKERS!!?

Hope you weren’t too attached to your wiener, brother, cuz you won’t be needing it anymore.

How NOT to get caught:

First, be aware that no matter how careful you are, no matter how well you think you’ve covered your tracks, at some point you WILL get caught. Nothing you can do about it, just go in with your eyes open, and get ready for that other shoe to drop.

If you must participate in the message board community, do not use your real name. For fuck’s sake, that should be glaringly obvious, but you cannot imagine how many schmucks out there create a user name on the local hooker board that is a variation on their real name. If your name is Bob Smith and you were born in 1958, your screen name better not be “BSmith58.” That’s just asking for trouble. Make up a name. It doesn’t matter what it is, Batman, but you’d better have a secret identity. Use your new name when you fill out the profile on the message boards. Oh, and don’t use a screen name that has anything to do with your occupation, your (real) hobbies, your boat, your car… in short, nothing that points back to the real you. Try to imagine how you’ll explain to your wife that you have no idea how “BSmith58’s” account just happens to be on your computer, and what a coincidence that he  drives the same car you do and works at the same job, and looks just like you… wait, what? You did not upload a picture of yourself to use as your avatar, did you? Have you learned nothing?

So now your secret identity is established, you’re wading through a sea of hooker-tang of every conceivable size, age, shape and kink. Before you venture out into the world of wick-dipping, here’s a few pointers.

Join a gym. There are many advantages to this. First, you’ll get your flabby, flaccid middle-aged ass into shape. That should be enough. Working out will also increase your endurance and stamina, and will lessen the possibility that you’ll die of a massive coronary while pumping away on top of some poor girl just trying to make her rent. Neither of you needs THAT. You don’t have to become a gym rat, but even semi-regular workouts will establish an alibi. In other words, it’ll give you a plausible place to be for an hour in the middle of the day. Gyms also have showers. That can’t be emphasized enough. Take a goddam shower! Pop into the gym on your way to your girl’s trick pad, and for fuck’s sake take a shower before going home. That AXE deodorant spray ain’t fooling anyone. It’s not gonna cover up the smell of ripe pussy. It’ll just make you smell like a tool and pussy.

Speaking of pussy, if you decide that you just have to dine at the y,  munch a muff, snack on a taco, make sure you shave. No girl wants your day old stubble sandpapering her privates. And wet pussy smell does not come out of  a mustache with a simple wipe. Keeping yourself clean shaven is the best way to go. It exfoliates your face. You’ll go in with a smooth glide and then it’ll scrape off the errant cunnilingus residue.

You never saw Tiger sporting a ‘stache, did you?

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