You’re so vain…

Posted: December 23, 2011 in Escorts

…You probably think this blog is about you.

All it takes is a smile…

"…my left brain knows that all love is fleeting…"

Attraction can be a strange thing. Sexual cues can be ambiguous, and men usually read them wrong. Research shows that this may be something that’s hard wired into us. An evolutionary loophole. A new study to be published in Psychological Science seems to show how wrong we are sometimes. The bottom line apparently, is that the more attractive a man finds a woman, the more attractive he thinks he is to her. Regardless of how attractive he really is. In other words, if he thinks she’s hot, he tends to think she’s hot for him. Imagine how this gets compounded when a woman’s job is specifically to show interest and arousal… whether she actually feels it or not.

No one single issue is more hotly discussed, debated and deconstructed than the issue of falling in love with a hooker. More than ‘the meaning of GFE,’ more than ‘to shave or not to shave,’ guys will expound interminably about the idea that someone could fall in love with an escort, whether or not it’s a good idea, or even whether it’s even possible. As with almost everything else related to this “hobby,” they’re all experts with no experience.

Fell in love once and most completely…

I have that experience. I fell in love with a girl. A working girl. It started out as so many other encounters with escorts, before and since. An arranged meeting in a 5-star hotel, the call from the road to confirm, the call from the lobby to get the room number, the slight nervousness upon knocking on the door. But from that moment on, there was nothing average or ordinary about it. I knew. But more than that, we knew. We knew there was a real connection, a connection beyond the paid-for genital docking maneuvers.

Sure, every guy thinks, at least once, that the hooker really has feelings for him, mistaking a job well done for real affection. It is, after all, her job to make you feel as if she really finds you irresistibly attractive, that you’re the greatest lover she’s ever had, the greatest conversationalist, that all those orgasms wrenched from her were real, and that for that one hour, you are the center of the universe. That’s not what this was. This was the real deal. I’m sure you’re thinking that I allowed myself to be deluded, just like every other poor sap who’s been hooked by a hooker, strung along for ever increasing payouts. And I’ll tell you this: I’ve been in many different relationships in my life, from casual to long term to legally binding. The long term relationship I had with this woman was as real and emotional and true as any. More so than most.

But sometimes these feelings can be so misleading…

Can a “hobbyist” fall in love with a hooker? Can a hooker fall in love with a trick? It all comes down to this: can one human being fall in love with any other? This is what we are. There are real people behind the screen names and assumed personae. And real people sometimes fall in love. But, feelings can be misleading. There’s more than one hapless “hobbyist” paying a girl’s rent or making her car payment or ‘putting her through school’ so she can stop hooking and be with him. She’s a good girl, she is.

My hooker girlfriend and I were together for almost 5 years. Never in that time did I pay her rent. Or make her car payment. And with the exception of that first meeting in that hotel room, I never paid to make love to her. That was a transaction conducted with “Insert Working Name Here.” Everything after that was a relationship with “Insert Real Name Here.”

There were hard times, good times, fun times. We went to movies, we went to lunch, dinner, grocery shopping. I invited her to my company Christmas party, and afterward laughed together about the co-worker who had brought an obvious paid date. We talked about the future, our future, and marriage came up more than once. I met her family, and spent time with them during birthdays and piano recitals. We hung out with friends, went to parties and social events. Often, those social events were work-related. Her work. There were more than a few meet & gropes we attended together during our time as a couple. Sometimes we would arrive separately and ‘accidentally’ meet up. Sometimes we arrived together under the guise of a paid date. Usually, I would let her work the room, making business contacts while I sat at the bar, buying drinks for escorts I had no intention of ever booking. I let her conduct her business. My business sometimes had setbacks, just like everyone else in a shaky economy. She helped me out when I needed it, she had a keen business sense.  And, because I know you’re thinking it, let me be clear, I wasn’t sitting home profiting from the fruits of her labors.

This is where most guys get mired in stereotypes. The conventional wisdom is that any man who is romantically involved with an escort must naturally be taking her money. Money earned on her back or on her knees. I tend to think that most guys have those thoughts because that’s what they themselves wish they could do. They only see the allure of having a hot babe who goes out and fucks for money, at their direction. Ironically, that mindset is why most of those guys have to pay for hookers in the first place. They can’t see the real women behind the pussies. Whether its an escort or a wife. And they treat pussies like cunts.

So, is it possible to fall in love with an escort? Of course it is. Would I recommend it? Well, I wouldn’t try to dissuade one from following their heart. Many escorts have husbands, boyfriends, girlfriends. They have parents and siblings. They are parents. Real people. Real flesh and blood and emotions. And any real person is capable of loving, is worthy of being loved. Which is why I get so pissed at the moralists, the abolitionists, the righteous crusaders. They dehumanize sex workers.

Another prevalent attitude is “I couldn’t have a relationship with a hooker unless she stopped hooking.” What this implies is that A) she’s not worthy of love or respect if she’s a hooker and B) that it’s the man’s decision to make. I never tried to get “Insert Working Name Here” to stop working as an escort. Because it was her decision. She wasn’t abused, on drugs, trafficked, coerced or forced into prostitution. It was a decision she made. And when she eventually did stop, it wasn’t for me or for any other man, it was for herself. She chose to work as an escort, she chose when and how to move on. I supported her in her choices, and tried to never make her feel as ‘less-than’ because of the choices she made. No, I’m not pretending to have been the best boyfriend in the world; I had and have many faults. But she gave her heart wholly to me, and that was the only part I cared about.

Although we were together for years, we’re not together anymore. We eventually broke up. Why? People break up all the time, for any number of reasons. Which is to say, it was probably my fault. But it was never anything related to her line of work. I said before, I’m not perfect. In fact, I can often be quite an asshole. *[ADDENDUM] What’s closer to the truth is that she tried. She tried to heal me, to set me free, and in the end, I broke her heart. I don’t pretend to have come out of this as the good guy. I wasn’t. But, hopefully, I’ve learned.* We fought, we split up. It happens. I can’t tell you the number of times since then that I wish it hadn’t happened. We remained friends, but never again lovers. Turns out, we actually liked each other, even after everything we’d been through.

I remember clearly the day, months later, sitting in a coffee shop when she told me she was dating someone else.

…she turns and says “are you alright?” 
I said “I must be fine cause my heart’s still beating” 

My heart sank. And although I wished her well then and wish her well now, it was a stunning blow. Even now, writing this, thinking about that day…

…these two sides of my brain 
need to have a meeting 
can’t think of anything to do 
my left brain knows that 
all love is fleeting…

All love is fleeting. When we were together, she often joked about getting me a professional discount if I wanted to see some other hooker. I never took her up on that. Since we broke up, she’s offered to be my reference if I wanted to see someone. I’ve never taken her up on that, either. I’ll still continue to see escorts. But she was right; she demystified escorting for me. Pulled back the curtain. I’ve had great sex with great escorts. And never had the slightest bit of that falling in love feeling with any of them. But, that’s what people do, they fall in love. It’s important to know the difference between the feelings in your heart and the feeling in your groin. I was lucky, luckier than most. Not because I had a relationship with a hooker, but because I had a relationship –a real relationship– with a real woman. A smart, funny, talented, sexy woman. An incomparable woman.

I spoke to her today, she called to wish me happy holidays. We still keep in touch. We laughed, we joked, we had a nice conversation, the kind any friends would have. And afterward, just as now, I cried because I miss her so. I loved her then, I love her now.

Junk Science

Garbage In/Garbage Out

Most of us in this arena were around for the sturm und drang surrounding the shutdown of the Craigslist Erotic Services section. The justification for the assault on hooker ads was, of course, sex trafficking. We must shut down hooker ads. For the children.

Of course, with this seeming victory under their belt, the ‘for the children,’ anti-trafficking crusaders were just emboldened to go further and further. So now we’re more often seeing sex work prohibitionists using the same tired, discredited points. Trafficking! Underage trafficking! White slavery!

The problem, we’re told, is that child prostitution is increasing at a geometric rate. One of the primary groups pounding this drumbeat warns us in dire terms that anywhere from 100,000 to almost half a million girls a year are being lured into sex slavery. The rate of underage girls being trafficked has risen by an astonishing 64.7% in Minnesota alone, they tell us. These shocking revelations are then repeated by the press as if they were accurate. When in fact, they couldn’t be further from the truth.

It’s junk science. The numbers are all guesses. In some cases, they arrived at their foregone conclusions merely by looking at pictures of sex workers posted online. That’s right. If you’re an adult female who just happens to be petite, thin and flat chested, chances are these self appointed guardians of morality counted you as a trafficked, pimped underage child.

And worse, they know the numbers are faked. The director of an Atlanta based anti-prostitution group says “we pitch it the way we think you’re going to read it and pick up on it… If we give it to you with all the words and the stuff that is actually accurate—I mean, I’ve tried to do that with our PR firm, and they say, ‘They won’t read that much.'”
They know that the more salacious the claim, the more likely it is to be picked up and perpetuated in the media… and the more likely they are to continue to receive funding. That’s right. It’s all about money. They’re consciously using sex workers to make money. Funny, there’s a word for someone who makes money from the labors of sex workers: “pimp.” Look at some of the corporate sponsors lining up to give funding to anti-prostitution groups based on junk science, faulty research and outright deception: Southwest Airlines, Merril Lynch/Bank of America, Goldman Sachs, American Express, the Ms. Foundation for Women, and many more. Lying about sex workers is a cash grab scam… er, lucrative business.

Real Men Don’t Listen to Ashton Kutcher

Of course, when we talk about junk reporting regarding sex workers, we have to talk about the latest self-seving publicity campaign from Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore and their “Real men don’t buy girls” campaign.

Taking the puritanical charlatans at face value, Ashton has gathered all his celebrity pals to do public service announcements (I wonder how many of those fulfill court ordered community service?) to let us know that prostitution = slavery. Ironic, considering that neither Ashton nor Demi have shied away from exploiting sex work for their own gain. Demi famously went so far as to have her boobs plumped to portray a stripper in 1996’s Striptease, playing a variation on the ‘hooker with a heart of gold.’ And it 2009, Ashton himself, opposed as he is on general principle to any sort of sex work, starred in Spread, a movie where he plays a guy with nothing going for him except a big dick, which he uses to trade sex for housing from lonely Hollywood sugar mamas. Hate to break it to you Ash, you’re a whore. So once again, it’s OK when you’re making a buck from sex work, but it’s not OK when actual sex workers do it.

What’s dangerous about the Ashton & Demi campaign is how cavalierly it equates sex work to slavery. It does a huge disservice to sex workers, but worse (much worse) it completely trivializes real slavery.

Look, I’m just a guy who likes to fuck hookers (yet another reason I’ll never be President.) And I’m going to continue to fuck hookers, whether busybody social do-gooders or Hollywood celebrities like it or not. That’s right, I’m going to continue to fuck willing, consenting adults in exchange for money. And frankly, if Ashton wasn’t so Demi-whipped, he’d probably be doing the same. Hmmm… I wonder if those PSAs aren’t Ashton’s Demi-ordered community service for getting caught banging some stripper? Just asking questions.

I’m not a sociologist, I’m not a researcher, I’m not a crusader.But there are real researchers, real advocates, real scholars who are looking at this data and calling “bullshit.” Before you fall for their line of bullshit, before you let yourself– whether on the supply or demand side of the equation– be stigmatized by someone whose twin motivations are to legislate their own brand of morality and enrich themselves in the process, do your own research. It’s out there. Call into question those who would brand you as worse than criminal based on lies told for profit.

Pro-tip: Google the Twitter…er

Posted: March 14, 2011 in Escorts

You’re a what?

Really? You're a hot, horny chick?


I have a small presence on Twitter. Nowhere near Charlie Sheen levels. And every now and then I get a new follower, usually based on Twitter’s automated “Who To Follow” suggestions, or based on mutual followers/followees. Great! Thanks and welcome aboard!

Now, here’s the thing: I’m a cynical guy. Whether looking for a mechanic or a hooker, I tend to do some basic homework. When looking for an escort, I’ll check her ads, her website, her reviews. Is she legit? Is she who (and what) she says she is?

So why wouldn’t I be expected to do the same with new Twitter-ers? Seems that not a week goes by that I don’t get some new “hooker/cam/girl/porn star or just garden variety hot horny chick popping up in my Twitter stream. First thing I do, being the cynical, suspicious guy I am, is check out what she has to offer. What’s on her (or let’s be fair, his) Twitter stream? What kinds of things are they saying on a daily basis? If all you get is “I’m available now” every ten minutes, if it’s nothing but non-stop ad copy, I’ll give it a pass. I’m frankly more interested in people who are interesting and have interesting things to say. Interesting. Which is why I fully understand why I don’t have a Sheen-level following. Not everyone will find me interesting. But that’s also why my Twitter isn’t filled with constant stories of the latest hooker I banged or pictures of tits and ass. I try to throw in things that you might find more interesting.

However, if she says she’s a porn star or cam girl, does she have links to her porn and cam sites? Hey, I like looking at hot naked chicks as much as anyone else. If she says she’s an escort, let’s check out her brochure site. What market is she in? What do her pics look like? What are her rates? Are there reviews? No? That doesn’t exactly scream ‘legit’, does it? So, you’re a high priced escort with naughty things to say, but no one’s ever seen you and you don’t have reviews or real photos? I’ve seen this story before.

Oh, you’re a hot horny student who just wants sex sex sex all the time because you’re so naughty and hot and horny, and you’re an aspiring porn star because you’re so hot and horny, and by the way, send me naked pictures so I can see how hot and horny you are! Yeah, what is this an AOL chat room? C’mon, really? Look, you want to go around pretending to be a hot chick on the Internet? Fine. You like looking at naughty pics? Fine. But, and I’m sure this is no real heartbreak to anyone, I won’t be following your faux ho antics.

No one wants a re-run of that mess.

Six inches long with a big fat head... no wonder the ladies love him


Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional

Benjamin Franklin, the original libertine, whoremonger, hobbyist. Franklin is to this day widely quoted, his wisdom on topics ranging from farming and politics to art and literature to sex, and yes, prostitution are often called on to bolster any argument. Among his famous quotes is his advice to a young man on the advantages of romancing older women. The conclusion to his often comical advice (in the dark, all cats are gray) is “…lastly, they are so grateful!”

Escorts come in all shapes and sizes. Blondes, brunets, and redheads. Young and… more experienced.  During my recent shopping spree (thanks Obama!) one of the things I focused in on was looking for escorts often categorized as ‘mature’ or ‘MILF’. Partly because that’s where my preferences lie, partly because I have a short attention span and there are far fewer ads to sort through in those categories and mostly because… something shiny!

Truth is, I prefer the more mature escort over the young bimbo. Look, I’m not saying I have some weird granny fetish. But let’s face it I’m no 20 year old stud myself. What do I mean by ‘more mature’? Old? Sorry, I don’t consider 30 to be ‘old’. Hell, I’m old enough myself that I don’t any longer consider 50 to be ‘old’. And yes, I’ve had some incredible sex with 50+ year olds. Mature is… mature.

I generally don’t favor the younger hookers. I tend to start with somewhere around 30 and work upward. I also recognize that I’m in the minority. The majority of “hobbyists” seem to gravitate to the 19-20-22 age range. The young hardbody fake boobed bimbos. I wonder sometimes if the preference for the more youthful escorts isn’t so much about the beauty of the girl but the insecurities of the client. I saw an old guy in the store today, old around my age. Flirting with a 20-ish cutie, “here let me reach that shelf for you”, “aw, you’re so sweet!” It’s not that he was lusting after her, expecting that a smile and a favor would turn into a smile and a ‘favor’. No, It’s a chance to be looked at as something other than a doddering old fart.

When it comes to escorts, older is better. Face it, whether you like blonde or brown, skinny or fat, big boobs or flat, you’re going to find that physical appeal in any age range. What you won’t find the the girls just a few years (or less) out of school is the confidence, the sense of self that comes with maturity.

Often, I think, younger ladies look at escorting as either an easy way to fast cash, an easy way to fast cash attained by manipulating gullible men or an easy way to fast cash while experimenting and exploring their own sexuality. Hey, I’m all in favor of a girl experimenting, spreading her wings, spreading her… horizons. But turning tricks ain’t the way to do that. I would think that unless you’re already pretty comfortable with who you are as a person and as a sexual being, the constant sex-based bullshit could leave one with a biased, jaundiced view of the world of sex and how they fit into it. Plus, while I want you to explore, I want you to experiment, I want you to expand, I don’t want you to do it on my dime. I don’t see escorts so I can pay for their sexual awakening. If I’m going to shell out $300 $600 $800 for a Girl Friend Experience, I think I have a right to expect an experienced girlfriend.
Go out, have fun, seduce and be seduced. Find out what you like, what you don’t and who you are, then start thinking about doing it as a business.

The Pretty Girl Syndrome

The other thing is a lot of pretty hot young gals know they can get by purely on being pretty, hot and young. Nothing else is required of them and nothing else is offered. I’m not into that. Fuck a girl like that and it quickly becomes apparent that it’s all about her. And while mutual pleasure is a wonderful thing, I am, after all, the client.
I’m not saying I specifically intend selfishness, but neither do I expect it. Yes, I know you’re hot, much hotter than I deserve. Yes, I know you’re gorgeous, much prettier than I could reasonably expect to find in my troll bed under a bridge. Yes I know you’re young and you have a rockin’ hard body with a high, tight ass, remarkably firm, perky tits… wait, what was I saying?

I know, I know, this is a sweeping generalization, and I expect to hear dissent from both “hobbyists” and escorts, but by and large, the 20 year olds can’t hold a candle to the 30 40 50 year olds. And yes, I know, you’re that rare 24 year old who’s mature beyond her years.
Women of any age can be — and are– beautiful, sexy and desirable. But there’s something magical about a strong, mature, self confident woman. A woman whose life experiences have molded her into a sexual force to be reckoned with. A woman who can hold a conversation about art or politics or science or culture while fucking your brains out. That’s a woman who’ll keep me coming and keep me coming back for more.
That is a woman.


I’ve been busy lately. Work has been hectic. I’m active in my community. And I’ve been banging hookers. (Yeah, plural.)

The one thing I haven’t been doing much of is hanging out on the “hobbyist” message boards. And from the looks of things, no one else is either. The message boards are dying out.

It’s no secret, I guess, that I don’t particularly care for the self-styled “hobbyists”. You wanna fuck hookers? Go to it. You wanna turn it into a goddam hobby? Maybe you should re-think treating people like a hobby. But that’s just me. What I really dislike is the hour after hour, day after day, year after fucking year of the same self-aggrandizing, thinly veiled misogyny and pissing contests. Sometimes it seems like nothing ever changes on the boards. Over a year ago, I wrote a post about how the more things change, the more they stay the same. You can see the same topics being discussed over and over and over and over… you get the point. After a while though, it’s not just the same topics (trimmed or shaved?), the same discussions (what is GFE?) but worse, the same people. The same blowhards pontificating, shooting down n00bs, and generally being bloviating asshats who think they have all the answers when it comes to the proper way to fuck hookers. Of course, they themselves never actually fuck hookers, but they sure do know more about it than anyone else.

Truth of the matter is, the boards are becoming largely unnecessary. Once upon a time there was virtually no other way to find, research and contact escorts from the privacy of your mom’s basement home. Actually getting to chat –for free- online with real honest-to-gosh women who would willingly (for a fee) have actual non-cyber sex with you was a dream come true. That you could actually ‘earn’ some level of clout based on how many hookers you fucked (or how many guys were willing to backslap ya because of how many hookers you fucked) was the social vindication many of us never got in real life.

For a time, the escort message boards were the place to be. But it is not a sustainable model. Much like mainstream social networks like Friendster and MySpace have come and gone, I think the escort message board is seeing its better days in the rearview mirror. Escort advertising, networking and contact have moved into other arenas. Most escorts these days use a variety of social media to communicate with their client base. Whereas the mesage boards used to be the only way a potential client could interact with escorts, feel them out as it were, nowadays many escorts have their own blogs where they can craft their online personas and maintain control of their message without being at the mercy of some (often unscrupulous) board operator. They can impose their own rules of what they can say, what they can show and how they present themselves. There are multiple avenues available to escorts. Many are on Twitter. Most have their own websites where a potential client can find photos, rates and booking information.

For many “hobbyists” the lure of the message board was the easy availability of the escorts and the non-judgemental attitude of their fellow “hobbyists”. For escorts, it was like shooting fish in a barrel. But many of the guys started to like the validation they got from their fellow whoremongers. They became accustomed to being the big fish in a tiny, tiny Pond. Which led to an inflated sense of their position in the hooker/client dynamic.

When it comes to reviews, more and more escorts are eschewing the review process altogether. In an era of increased law enforcement scrutiny of hooker boards, it’s not always wise to have a written record of exactly which sex acts you’re willing to perform for money. A few “hobbyist” boards have tried to reinvent themselves (again) as ‘social networking’ sites and have moved their hooker reviews to ancillary sites. “Really, totally not us! That’s totally not our site that has the same name! We just have hooker ads, not reviews!” You’re not fooling anyone. Some sites have put their reviews behind a paywall. You can only access the reviews if youre willing to fork over $20 a month. Frankly, if you’re seeing so many different hookers every month that it’s cost effective to spend that much money reading reviews, maybe think about saving a few bucks for some salve for that dick chafing. And as I’ve said before, to a large extent reviews are less about the hooker than about giving the guys a forum to recount their sexual exploits to other guys who’ll believe them. Reviews are not the only way to determine if an escort is legitimate. They are often over-inflated, or just as often, under-rated. What one guy considers ‘the best blow job EVER’ may not be what works for your dick.

There’s a flip side to this also. It’s not only the same guys in the message boards day in, day out. I often see the same girls hour after hour, seemingly 24/7. If, whether hooker or “hobbyist”, you have time to be chatting online 24 hours a day, chances are you’re not out in the real world putting real dicks in real pussies.

In the past few months, I’ve been fortunate to have enough free time and spare cash (thanks Obama!) to have spent ‘quality time’ with several different escorts. One was a lady I’ve seen many, many times before. One was recommended by that lady. One was on an out of town business trip. The others were previously unknown to me. None of them were on escort message boards.

Time to evolve.

ATMs ain’t rocket science.

Learn to count. You know how much her hourly rate is. You know that ATMs only dispense $20s.
So, if her rate is $350 and you get $360 from the cash machine, you know you’re either gonna have to break the $20 before you get there or give her an extra $10.

Don’t go in there all flummoxed about how to make change for a $20. She just gave you a blowjob, don’t ask her to give you change. Don’t ask to take ten minutes off your hour for a ten buck discount. And for fuck’s sake don’t short her $10 off her rate.
If you didn’t get change before you got to the room, suck it up and give her the full amount plus ten. If $10 goddam dollars is gonna make or break your budget, well… jerking off alone is a lot cheaper.

Don’t let the bedbugs bite.


Pro Tip: If you wouldn’t see a hooker working out of a cheap sleazy hotel like this, why are you staying here? It’s good enough for you to stay in, but not good enough for you to fuck in?

Even worse, how are you gonna call a hooker to a room like this? How are you gonna get a $600 an hour escort to come out to a $40 a night flop?


Do it

Inch by inch

Pro Tip: If you can’t find a respectable hooker to come out to see you, maybe it’s because of all the other hookers you stood up.

If, even in a City of Sinful exotic hotties, you can’t get just one to come out to your hotel on short notice, it might have something to do with all those No Shows/No Calls back home.

Good deeds.

I like a woman who can treat the globes right

A little bit about me.

It may or may not surprise some of you to know that I have a life beyond this hooker fucking persona. And it may (or may not) surprise you to find out that I’m in the legal profession. Sure, you pretty much can’t throw a stick around here without hitting a lawyer (and getting sued for reckless stick throwing).

Some background. I got my undergraduate degree at a well known top tier university in the southeast, then a Juris Doctor from a prestigious law school on the east coast. I went to work in the office of a state legislator then spent some time working as a criminal prosecutor in a large city on the coast. It was through some of my law school contacts and legislative contacts that I became involved early on in campaigning for Bill Clinton. Back then, a lot of people in the campaign, specially those who knew Bill and Hillary, joked that the wrong Clinton was running.

As a result and reward for my work on the campaign, when Bill Clinton was elected, I was swept along as part of the new ‘youth wave’ hitting Washington, D.C. Of course, “youth” was a relative term, as none of us were really kids. I worked briefly for Bernard Nussbaum in the  office of the White House Counsel, then transitioned over to the Justice Department. Working for the Clinton administration in the DOJ, I was a key part of some very high profile prosecutions.

By the end of Clinton’s first term, I’d had quite enough of Washington, and left the DOJ to come back to Los Angeles. Here, I joined a large firm, and this being L.A. a fair percentage of my clients were movie people. It wasn’t where I intended to end up back when I was an idealistic young law student out to change the world for the better, but I’ve settled into a nice little practice in entertainment law, mostly contracts and negotiations.

Of course, none of that is true*. And if you read just those first four paragraphs –and believed them– and took legal advice from me because you believed them, you would be an idiot. My legal advice isn’t going to keep you out of jail, my legal advice isn’t going to get you out of jail, my legal advice isn’t going to keep you safe in any way. Just because I can create a detailed fiction on the Internet doesn’t mean I can represent you in court. Because I am not a real lawyer**.

You wouldn’t — shouldn’t– take legal advice from Some Guy on the Internet claiming legal know-how without the credentials to back it up.  So why then would you take advice from someone claiming to be an escort, claiming to be a stripper, claiming to be a porn star or activist or sexologist without the credentials — and the credibility– to back up those claims?

We all know, it’s pretty well documented, that there are a lot of fakes out there. Even after all the revelations and recriminations, just a few days ago, once again someone with no verifiable credentials was offering advice on how to successfully increase your escorting business and how to safely hire an escort. Hey, why not? You’ll take legal advice from me, why not take escorting advice from a non-entity?

So, who can you trust?

Just as you’d do your homework when looking to hire an accountant, a doctor or a mechanic, you have to do your homework when looking for advice that’s going to keep you out of jail, keep you from being ripped off, keep you from being assaulted. There is a treasure trove of valuable, reliable information on the hooker/”hobbyist” interaction. There are quite a few sex workers out there who have selflessly given of themselves to make things better for others in the biz. They give of their bodies for their clients; they give of their time, effort and hearts to keep other sex workers safe.

First up, if you’re an escort, a real honest-to-goodness legitimate working escort and you need to know anything about how to operate or improve your business, you need look no further than Amanda Brooks and her Internet Escort’s Handbook. This is the resource on the business of escort work. Amanda Brooks has been out in front of the business side of escorting and offers serious, yet bawdy advice on how to run your sex-oriented small business successfully.

I can’t think of anyone who’s been more on the side of sex workers of all stripes, but specifically hookers than Jenny DeMilo. Jenny seems to go out of her way to make sure dirty girls are safe and treated with respect. Whether it’s offering insight into what it’s like to be a hooker or how to stay safe if you are one, Jenny is the go-to source. On her blog and on various message boards, Jenny offers information on almost any topic imaginable related to sex work. She’s often brash, sometimes vulgar, always informative. Jenny doesn’t suffer fools gladly, but it’s a tough business, not for the frail or easily offended. Jenny DeMilo takes the hits, frequently becoming the target of attacks, and she does it because she really believes in giving back to her community, looking out for her friends and that only armed with knowledge can one overcome a dangerous world. And she’s sexy as hell to boot.

Another powerful advocate for sex workers is the Chicago based Serpent Libertine and her Red Light District. The Red Light District/Chicago website reports on legal issues and sex worker rights advocacy. Armed with a video camera and an incisive sense of what’s right they are on the frontlines of the sex work industry. Serpent Libertine is an invaluable supporter of free speech and sex workers’ legal rights.

How many real live sex workers do you know who recently spoke at Brown University on sex work: culture laws & politics? The only one that comes to mind is Sequoia Redd. Sequoia gives of herself to better the lives of sex workers. In addition to sex worker advocacy, she writes about sexual energy, politics and hiking the Appalachian Trail. That last one isn’t some sort of Republican euphemism, she really hiked the Appalachian Trail.

For sex workers of a different sort — strippers– the inimitable Kat from Portland has your back.  Kat looks out for strippers and more. Like so many others, she realizes the interconnectedness of everyone involved in legal, quasi-legal and downright illegal sex work. Strip clubs may have bouncers, but outside the club all bets are off.

While others only pretend to be sex experts, educators or academics, Jessi Fischer at The Sexademic is the real deal. Anyone on the Internet can hide behind a sassy screen name and claim degrees and titles, but Jessi is out in the open, no obfuscation, no pretense. With a Masters in Sexuality Studies, The Sexademic is a real, by-gosh educator, not just someone trying to bolster false credentials.

There are more, much more, many more. What all of these people have in common is that they are real, they are in the field and they are looking out for you. They are every day taking the hard fought, hard won skills, knowledge and experience of the real world of sex work and laying it out on the line for you, the “hobbyist”, the escort, the newbie just dipping a toe in the dirty waters. Why do they do it? I’m sure if you asked any of them you’d get a variety of reasons. But the bottom line, I think is that they are people who think of others as they think of themselves.

As for me, no I’m not a lawyer**. And maybe I’m not really a Doctor, either. Maybe it’s just an honorary title. No, I’m just a guy who fucks hookers and writes about it on the Internet. Sure, I’ll give you advice on how to find ’em, what to do when you’ve found ’em and how not to get caught while you’re doing it. But if you do or don’t take my advice, no harm, no foul. I don’t know you, you don’t know me, you’re free to take my advice or not and you won’t hurt my feelings either way. Sure, if you don’t take my advice and your wife catches you balls deep in some rented pussy, you’ll earn a big-ass “I told you so” from me. I’ll call you a dumbass. But then again, if you weren’t a dumbass you wouldn’t have done some dumbass thing to get yourself caught. But that’s the extent of it. You’re on your own as far as I’m concerned. But if you’re an escort, stripper, or any other flavor of sex worker, you need to know who you can trust. You need to know because your freedom, your safety,your business and possibly your life may depend on it. Are you going to trust all of that to ‘Some Girl’ with a blog? If you want real information, real advice, real education, look at those links above.

They’re the real deal. Verifiable, reviewed, respected.

* Or is it?

**Or am I?